Office of Research
March 7, 1943
Col. Enos Crenshaw
Training Camp Fluffton
c/o Ominous Mountain Finishing School for the Slightly Slow
Dear Col. Crenshaw:
I have been watching your performance at the Training Camp you supervise. with great interest In particular, your skills in shaping our more “oddball” recruits into suitable cannon fodder strikes me as a talent that can be put to greater use in the service of our country.
Starting this August, you will be Dean Crenshaw of the Finishing School on the grounds of which you already operate. The facility will now be known as “Ominous Mountain State University.” Your mission is to provide facilities and professional guidance for approximately 54 scientists and researchers from over two dozen of our Top Secret research facilities.
Be warned, however, that these charges are leaving their current assignments because they have proven incompetent, difficult to work with or obsessed with bizarre and irrelevant theories. A representative example of the type of scientist you will receive is electrical engineer Frances Forester. At his current position researching R.A.D.A.R. technology, he has spent the last three months investigating a theory that the experimental equipment is detecting ghosts, in direct opposition to the orders of his supervisors. He also reeks of onions, his fervent denials of that fact notwithstanding.
You are to make sure these researchers stay out of the public eye and do not harm anyone. We would send them to the front lines, but they would make terrible soldiers. We would fire them, but they could cause untold damage to the productivity and effectiveness of our industrial suppliers. These scientists are best kept where we can monitor them.
And who knows – maybe one of them will actually invent something useful!
Good luck and godspeed,
General John Ordheurs