To: All Freshmen
From: Ominous State University: Student Activities Department
Subject: Upcoming Club Activities

Dear Freshmen,

It has come to our attention that club participation is down this year.  Some folks blame the massive tuition increases for forcing many students to work the overnight shift at the wholesale fish market.  Others say that sitting around in a classroom watching a Soviet propaganda film without subtitles with a bunch of people who want extra credit in Russian 102 doesn’t appeal to students in the age of iPhones and PlayStations. Either way, we here at the Student Activities Department believe that there is a S.A.D. activity for everyone on campus.  In case you haven’t checked out any of our extracurricular activities, it’s not too late!  Here is a sampling of meetings scheduled for this week by our S.A.D. groups:

Monday

Debate Club. Join OMSU’s navy-blazer-est club as we continue an exciting point of order motion from last week.  Hands will be raised!  Rulebooks will be consulted! Cheese and crackers will be served!

Tuesday

Ethnic Students Association. Formed last year by the budget-cut-induced merger of all ethnic students’ clubs, we all contribute in order to do the best we can with the time and resources we have.  This week: we have authentic Vietnamese Pho, but don’t slurp too loud, since our very own Jesus Perez will read selections from the poetry of Nigerian writer Chinua Achebe translated into Yiddish.  Then we will have questions and answers, followed by accusations of racism and oppression by everyone against everyone else.

Wednesday

All-Campus fumigation. Facilities closed.

Thursday

R.O.T.C. Are you an army of one? Well, I suppose you will be sending one into battle … wait a second, did you think we were some sort of military thing?  What would give you that idea?  We are the Racing Our Tots Club, where OMSU students with kids between 2 and 4 years old race them for fun and gambling.  Got a speedy youngster? Try your luck on our newly babyproofed track.

Friday

Cooking Club. Local mountain man Old Man Hedgecock comes down from the mountains for his annual trip to town.  After picking up his mail and stopping by the County Government Building to swear at the tax assessor, he will visit our club to show us some great recipes made from locally grown and/or killed foods.  We will learn to butcher a whole wild boar and stew it in a pine cone consomme with aromatic herbs harvested from area ditches, washed down with Fluff County varietal moonshine.  The carbon footprint is tiny, but the tapeworms will be huge!