Feral Child Found in Woods Outside Town

Boy has never seen civilization, can only communicate in MBA jargon

Greenwich (Conn.) Advance
May 23, 1988, Page 1

Child welfare authorities are examining a 15-year-old boy who they believe has lived in the woods for the past dozen years and speaks no English beyond vapid business-speak.

The boy, aged 15, who wandered into an area dry cleaner yesterday afternoon seeking to get a suit cleaned and pressed.  When the store’s cashier noticed what appeared to be raccoon scratch marks on the suit, she questioned the child.

“I asked him where the tears by the lapel came from, he had trouble responding with basic phrases,” said cashier Starchibold Cox. “All he could get out of his mouth was something about disintermediation and monetizing network effects. I thought he may have been abused by sadistic middle managers, so I called the police.”

What really happened to the young boy, who calls himself Gordon, is a mystery.  He appears to have been living in the woods, where he and a band of feral suits lived on a diet of nuts, berries and sushi.

Some have speculated that Gordon was taken in by a group of management consultants who were famously chased into the forest by enraged office workers, never to return.  Representatives from the Wharton Alumni Humane Society claimed at the time that the consultants would eventually return for either the Wall Street Journal or the assorted stiff drinks left out for them by concerned administrative assistants. The discovery of Gordon is the first evidence that the group may still be wandering in the wilderness.

Gordon’s caretakers are hopeful that he will soon learn to communicate basic concepts without resorting to pointless obfuscation and unnecessarily technical language. They say that in the hours since his discovery, he has gone from making a series of nonsensical elevator pitches to forming basic sentences describing objects around him.

Other children have been raised in the wild, many of whom required years of intense re-integration training to become functional in society.  Experts warn that Gordon’s case may be harder than other, more common feral child scenarios.

“A child raised by wolves may not communicate with formal language, but the connection between real-world situations and the various barks and howls gives some basis on which to make their needs known,” said child development expert Dr. Julius Kindernügen.

“This boy, however, has no tools beyond empty buzzwords that serve to filibuster and mask ignorance. Wolves don’t howl just to hear themselves howl.”