From:The SMANagement
To: Service and Manufacturers’ Alliance for Normalcy (
Subject: Second thoughts about the Narwhal

Dear All:

First of all, I would like to offer my sincere thanks for your attendance and contributions to yesterday’s meeting.  Deciding how to stomp out a potential source of joy is nobody’s idea of a good time.  Which, if you think about it, is sort of the point.

As you recall, we concluded the meeting by resolving to capture the round-ish stuffed narwhal from the unauthorized TV broadcast and bring her back to Secret Quarry Allotted for Research on Employees.  This morning, our agents report the successful capture of the narwhal, who goes by the alias Nina Junior, from a Fluffton brunch venue.*

When “Nina Junior,” if that is her real name, arrives at SQUARE, the initial plan called for interrogation followed by dissection in order to find a way to neutralize the other sentient adorable plush entities Nina Junior appeared to be talking to in her broadcast.  We correctly deducted that stuffed animals with grown-up wits and basic ambulation could in effect extend childhood by up to an additional decade and create another source of distraction from skills acquisition and grovelling for slightly larger cubicles.

However, there is another solution.  Narwhals are mentioned nowhere in the labor laws and have not evinced awareness of unionism or the minimum wage.  Instead of destroying these sentient plush spheres, we should be separating them from their adoring owners and putting them to work.  We would have to be careful in selecting an appropriate workplace so as to avoid their adorability from changing the behavior of human workers.  Perhaps they would be suited for a job like tech support.

For those of you who will be coming in direct contact with the subject: don’t forget to mentally steel yourself against the inherent cuteness and possible good nature of aforementioned narwhal. 


You are the producers. 

Your parents didn’t pay for a new building at Wharton just to have some uppity narwhal steal the attentions of your workers from you

All employee imagination is your intellectual property!

Crush the productivity parasites!


The SMANager

* Speaking of brunch, what have we done recently in the battle to eradicate brunch?  By eating the day’s first meal at 11:30 on a Sunday re-sets the body clock and leaves workers lethargic on Monday Morning.  Let’s get on it, people!