To: All Waffletorium Employees
From: “Iron” Mike Antwerp
Re: I think you know what

All:

First of all, I’d like to thank the guys in the kitchen for their hard work.  They have been working day and night on a new recipe that allows our standard waffle to soak up 25 percent more syrup.  To give you an idea of how hard the R&D team has been working, they went through 25 gallons of that blue liquid they use to demonstrate the absorbency of diapers in TV ads. (Side note: don’t eat the soggy waffles behind the counter).

Great work guys!

Now that I’ve done the obligatory paragraph of praise recommended in Twelve Habits of Highly Effective Waffle Purveyors, it’s time to get to the main issue.  No, not the new Pancakeplex on Argyle Street, though I will discuss our industrial espionage plans in a future memo.

It’s the stuffed animal thefts.

When a man dressed in black descended from the ceiling and stole two particularly snuggly-soft stuffed animals from unsuspecting patrons, we made all manner of excuses.  It was a one-time freak occurrence, we said.  The fox and raccoon must have been drug mules, we said.  They were just too irresistibly cute to have out in public, we said.

Balderdash!

This is a diner, not a museum of precious jewelery. The only thing people should be interested in taking without paying is the mints on the counter.  The simple fact that high-tech thieves can hide in a busy restaurant amazes me.  Either we have the most dastardly ingenious thieves, or you’re all blind as bats, or both!

Therefore, in order to prevent other thefts, we will implement the following changes, effective at 8 a.m. on Monday morning:

- Loosening  the screws on all the overhead ductwork so that a sneaky intruder will fall harmlessly to the ground in a comical puff of dust instead of reaching his or her intended target;

- End the “Free Side of Bacon for Anyone Who Comes In Wearing Night-Vision Goggles” promotion;

- Immediate termination of any employee who takes down a security camera to use it to make an application to be on a reality show (side note: Intervention does not “do” chocoholism, Betty);

- Refuse service to anyone who won’t take off their mask.  Honestly, I don’t know why we don’t do this already;

Hopefully, this will discourage future kidnappings and help maintain the Waffletorium’s position as Fluffton’s premier destination for the hungover, bored and just plain hungry.

Peace, love and maple syrup,

Mike