From OMSU and U: A New Student’s Guide, p. 21

Counseling Services

As you may have read in the news or seen on Dateline, Ominous Mountain State University’s counseling services have come under some scrutiny for alleged callousness, reliance on unproven therapeutic techniques and general incompetence.  We recognize that granting too much autonomy to our counsellors resulted in uneven, even dangerous, care. 

As a result, we have complied with the various and sundry court orders on the matter and have directed all counsellors to stop certain advice, such as “The best way to mitigate the sense of loss from the death of a close family member is to mummify them and bury them with a beloved house pet” and “‘pulling a Say Anything‘ is the best way to deal with a devastating breakup.”

Since the court has ordered the termination of the entire Counseling Office, the administration has outsourced its functions to a private contractor.  The new provider, DeSalvio & Sons Waste Management and Guidance Services, has set up new programs for OMSU’s most troubled students. Below, we reproduce a sent message to the school community from DeSalvio & Sons upon their takeover at the beginning of the school year:

Dear OMSU students:

We at DeSalvio & Sons Waste Management and Guidance Services are proud to join the OMSU community as your new guidance office.  Though student counseling is a relatively new side of our business, our motto remains the same: “Got a problem?  Come to us and we’ll talk.”

Roommate issues? Talk to us and her boyfriend who “visits” all the time won’t be coming around anymore.  Is it a personal hygiene issue?  Talk to us and the floors will sparkle and your room (and roommate) will smell like a dewy field beside a crystal clear mountain stream.  And you better believe that nobody will be stealing your gabagool from the dorm pantry’s fridge if you let us know about it.

Are your parents pressuring you into a career you don’t like?  Don’t be surprised if they can’t berate you in person because of some mysterious tire problems.  Study Comparative Gender Norms in peace.  Besides, we have some connections in the construction industry if you’re really hard up for work.

If you’re feeling depressed, we’ll take you to the dog track. That’s how much we care.

Many students today come to school counseling with debt issues.  If you signed up for every credit card offer that came with a free beer coozy and find yourself in over your head,  we’ll even reconsolidate your debt.  Will we ever!

How do we do all of this?  Pay no mind, kiddies.  Just know that we expect you to show some gratitude for our help by doing some “community service.”  Really, it’s no big deal.

Happy Columbus Day and have a mentally stable semester!

Your Paisan,

Sal DeSalvio
Director of Guidance
DeSalvio & Sons Waste Management and Guidance Services