Phone: 911, ask for Ted

February 7, 2011

“Iron” Mike Antwerp
The Waffletorium
37 E. College Avenue
Fluffton, USA

Dear Mr. Antwerp,

Thank you for writing the Police Department to inquire about our investigation into the stuffed animal theft that recently took place at your dining establishment.  Seriously, thank you.  The last guy who wanted to check up on the progress of an investigation called the Chief’s mom!  How an 83-year-old woman can still ground a guy who made a name for himself as Battering Ram Operator for the SWAT team, I’ll never know. So anyway, thumbs up for using the proper channels.

We have some good news and some bad news with regard to the investigation.  As you aren’t here to respond to the perfunctory question of which you want to hear first, I’ll just tell you the bad news.

We have no leads.

Unrelated to the kidnapping and two weeks prior, some joker fed your security camera feeds into ChatRoulette and then fed the chatting partner’s feed back into the recording system.  Let’s just say that our first composite sketch didn’t have a face and leave it at that.

Now the good news:  we have ideas!  The Department got so collectively flummoxed on this seemingly random crime that we took a long weekend to do some blue-sky, free-form, collaborative 10,000-feet perspective brainstorming at the Fluffton Valley Conference Center and Retreat.  Many of us improved our golf handicaps and we left with several good theories about how this could have happened at your business.

1. Terrorists. If you thought they just hated us for our freedom, you thought wrong.  They also hate us for our giant, soft, fuzzy, round stuffed animals, especially the somewhat female-looking ones that don’t wear burqas. We’re waiting for a videotape claiming responsibility.  Then we’ll wait for someone to find a VCR to play the tape.

They’re already sending us back to the stone age!

2. Somali pirates. That’s still a thing.

That’s it.  In our defense, the weather was really nice.

If you have any questions, please feel free to email me at tjkrupke@prodigy.com.

T.J. Krupke
Shift Commander
Fluffton Police Department