From: Madison
Subject: the stuffed chicken incident

Sisters, we have a problem.

The fact that there is an email list for everyone in Omega Delta Beta except Britnee ought to say it all.  Still, the episode where Britnee took the giant, round, fluffy stuffed chicken sent to me by the Delta boys is the final straw as far as I’m concerned.

At first, we thought her boundless energy and enthusiasm was a good thing.  After all, what are sorority sisters supposed to do other than clap in unison and sing cheery songs about how much fun it is to be us?  Community service, perhaps?  We can’t forget that when she was a Sophomore, Britnee painted an entire inner-city school in one weekend while the rest of us watched 16 and Pregnant and Spying for the North Koreans from a Trailer in West Virginia on Dakota’s iPhone. 

That was an awesome show.

But as you know, enthusiasm gets tiring after a while.  More precisely, enthusiam got tiring when she brewed coffee for the whole house (very nice), but woke everyone up at 6:30 on a Sunday morning to drink it (not so much). 

We’re also tired of Britnee’s playing dumb.  The girl is a double-major in Physics and Classics, yet she believes that you have to act like a space case to fit in here.  All those “blonde moments” coming from someone who has an autographed photo with Stephen Hawking as thanks for figuring out a math problem just seems like a lame attempt to fit in.

On a side note, how exactly did Stephen Hawking sign the photo?

Now she’s taken up ventriloquism and used it to take a chicken that is my rightful reward for three years of embarassingly-obvious flirting and emoticon-filled Facespace wall posts to get the Deltas to like me.  She should be learning about the 26th dimension or something instead of learning how to make inanimate objects talk. 

Besides, our ventriloquism program is underfunded and OMSU’s School of Advanced Schtick is second-tier at best.  And I’m not just saying that because my little brother is a Pratfall major at Catskill State.

Let’s get down to brass tacks here.  Shiny, shiny brass tacks. 

Britnee has an idea in her head of what a sorority girl should be: dumb and enthusiastic.  You’ve been here long enough to know that isn’t the case.  If you haven’t, it’s because you’re a pledge, in which case you should be spending less time reading your email and more time organizing my shoes in ROYGBIV order.

I suggest an intervention.

xoxo Madison

From: Dakota
Subject: Re: the stuffed chicken incident

You just want the chicken, don’t you?

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Dakota

From: Madison
Subject: Re: the stuffed chicken incident

Is that such a horrible thing?

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Madison