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Posted on December 30, 2010 by Clement

I got myself the greatest gift of all for Christmas … a DVR.

My non-vampiric readers may not realize this, but haunting the night with an insatiable thirst for blood means no daytime TV.  If you can believe it, I got my first TV in 1960 and have never seen the Today show!  I had a VCR in the ’80s, learned to program it in the ’90s and briefly got hooked on General Hospital before it got stolen. Because I live in a dump. Ugh.

Speaking of which, I also signed up for HBO and have been catching up on True Blood.  How do TV vamps live in these huge houses while I’m on the third floor of a walk-up rowhouse overlooking a heroin bazaar? It’s not like they have day jobs. Plus, it looks like they spend a lot of money on clothes.

Back around 1915, another vampire told me that if you sock away a little money every year, the power of compound interest will make any chump change into a trust fund after a few centuries.  I can’t take a job that requires me to be up before sunset (I’m probably the only person have washed the dishes of both H.L. Menken and D.L. Hughley), which means that a century of scrimping and saving gives me just enough extra money to get a DVR to plug into my water-stained, lead-painted and entirely too thin wall.  A lot of vampires make good money driving taxis, but I’ve been three weeks away from turning old enough to get a hack license since cars were hand-cranked.

Maybe by 2050, I can move to a place where drinking the local blood doesn’t get you high if you forget to look for track marks.

But broke as I may be, the DVR is worth it.  Nighttime TV is all violence, dirty jokes and ads for chat lines.  During the day, TV shows a more even-tempered side.

Have any of you heard of CBS Sunday Morning?  It’s so … calm.  Last week, they had segments on cookies that look like people, “interesting seashells” and a bittersweet piece on the most famous trees to fall during 2010.

For a guy whose morning programming is To Catch a Predator, it’s a welcome change.

And why didn’t anyone tell me about The View?  That Joy Behar is a crack-up!