Omega Delta Beta Sorority
OMG, it’s ODB!
Weekly Newsletter – January 4, 2011
Hello ladies of Omega Delta Beta and a very Happy New Year from your ever-effervescent chapter secretary!!!
This year will be like all the others that came before it in terms of our main directive as an organization: to rule the social scene here at Ominous Mountain State University with the iron grip of a Mobutu, the casual flair and ease of a Berlosconi and the fashion sense of a Peron.
To these ends, we have long successfully used Charm, Poise and Smarts to defeat all the other sororities at every major intra-greek competition. However, as you know, Charm, Poise and Smarts were seized by county Animal Control after the bitings at the Pan-Hellenic Council Winter Wonderland Ball last month. Apparently the Mu Rho girls got enough of their nasty perfume on the Delta boys (jeez, I wonder how?) to throw off the scent. Honestly, I don’t blame the Deltas for deleting our numbers from their phones as soon as they got their fingers re-attached.
This unfortunate event has ruined our social calendar for the upcoming semester and threatened our grip on power. After weeks of intense planning, our Executive Committee has come up with a plan to maintain our rule over the school’s social life that will get us through this crisis stronger and more popular than ever.
First, we must re-imagine what it means to dominate the social life of Ominous Mountain State University. We are used to seeing the OMSU “scene” as a succession of frat parties punctuated by the occasional formal. What your average sorority sister forgets is that there are thousands of students whose idea of a good time is alien to our long-established folkways. Whether it’s four Young Republicans drinking scotch while watching Larry Kudlow or 80 wierdos discussing the finer points of some cartoon about Japanese schoolgirls who shoot lasers from their eyes at an Anime Club meeting, there are large parts of the community who we have yet to bend to our will.
If we can’t win on Fraternity Row, we will win at the Lit Mag. If we can’t take the Delta boys to homecoming, we can do some sort of My Fair Lady thing with the Chess Club. If we can’t make catty comments about the Mu Rho girls, we will tell the ladies of Habitat for Humanity just how big the tool belt makes their butts look.
Soon enough, we will be back on the top of the heap. In the meantime, keep your heads up!
- M.L. DiMarcos