From OMSU and U: A Prospective Student’s Guide, Page 27:


Here at Ominous Mountain State University, we do our best to provide what is typically called “the college experience.” We’ve searched the world for the finest fillers and shelf-stabilizing chemicals for the cafeteria food. Our math and science TAs have been rigorously tested to make sure they lack all but the most minimal English language skills.

But what about sports? If you’re from in-state, you’ve probably heard fans of Central State and Eastern A&M talk about “black and white and it’s all over” or “seasoning some Ling Ling goulash with a can of Finely Ground Fair Trade Organic Whup-A**” when our famous Fightin’ Pandas come to town for a football game.

Since you’ve gotten this far into a promotional mailer about our beloved university, you deserve to be told the truth.

We’re not going to lie and say that the football team scored any points last year. There’s no use in denying that, by some statistical fluke, our volleyball team once scored -3 points against Our Lady of Perpetual Angst Finishing School for the Nervously Disposed.

But scoring and winning aren’t what the Fightin’ Pandas are about. The Pandas are all about spirit!

Think about it: it’s easy to root for the winners. At some schools, you can get up at 7 a.m., drink watery house-brand beer in a windy parking lot for several hours and stagger into the blurry confines of a huge stadium with the all-but-certain guarantee of learning that your team won once you’ve sobered up.

When your team isn’t #1, it takes a whole other level of commitment. Our dedicated student fans sit on our rickety bleachers to watch their classmates get pulverized every single week. They drown out the gentle sobbing from our sidelines with hearty cheers of “duck, Pandas, duck!” and “What do we want? First aid! When do we want it? Now!” Nobody leaves the game until the clock runs out. Plus, what coddled Central State fan would stick around for another hour manning the stretchers?

It takes a tough fan to root for a tender Panda.