Message Boards : News Around Town

Subject: Waffletorium Stuffed Animal Theft

Did you hear about the daylight stuffed animal robbery at the Waffletorium?  Here’s an article.  I can’t believe this – I take my daughter there!
by Nancy’s Mom – 10:27 a.m.

Responses (5)

That explains a lot about Nancy!  Shoveling that little juvie-bound brat full of gluten-mush, corn syrup poison and factory-farmed pig parts from the Waffletorium has done its part in making her the sandbox terror she is today!!!  My little Willoughby and Cooper have been terrorized by your kid for months!!!1!   We should have known why, given all the preservatives and sodium coursing through her veins by the time you bring her down to the park!!!1!!!!

I bet you gave her vaccines, too.

by Willoughby and Cooper’s Mom -  10:29 a.m.
Excuse me, Mrs. I Make My Sons Bring Tofurky To Sleepovers Because the Pizza Might Not Be Vegan…  Your kids aren’t farm-raised or free-range and you expect them to turn out OK just because they’re raised by you and you read the right magazines from the checkout rack at the Organic Food Co-Op.
However – and perhaps most importantly – all the trans-fats in the world aren’t going to do as much damage to Nancy’s kid as you are doing to yours with that Kïndërbÿbæ 2300 you insist in wheeling your little monsters around in.  That piece of Viking trash is so chock full of benzene-leeching plastics, insufficiently visually stimulating lining patterns and poorly-sized cupholders that it’s a wonder it doesn’t just burst into flame.

Everyone knows that Finnish 1-year-olds have overtaken those Kindërbÿbæ-pushing Danes in shape recognition tests, cooing pitch modulation and drool quality.  That’s why if you haven’t got an Infåntpørtkkinen Plus right off of the boat from Helsinki, you might as well just go ahead and re-label that college fund the Meth Addiction Rehab Fund, because that’s what you’ll need the money for.

Gotta run, Dora the Explorer is on and if I’m not there Noam is going to turn off the Mandarin overdub and he’ll never learn the language and get into Yale.

by Noam’s Mom – 10:33 a.m.

Both of you are missing the real point by assuming that Nancy’s “expressive” physical behavior at the playground is the result of bad parenting.

I know why both of you have a problem with Nancy.  You have a problem with her failure to behave according to your oppressive, heteronormative, western-centric assumptions about how a two-year-old should behave.

No, a little girl should never throw sand in a boy’s face.

A little girl shouldn’t try to eat a plastic dump truck wheel by wheel.

Little girls are just supposed to play with dolls. Is that what you think?

Who are you, anyway, Don Draper or something?  It’s 2010, for Gaia’s Sake!

PS: Dittos on the Infåntpørtkkinen Plus, it’s the only way to go.  You’ve got the green one, right?  I’d have sprung for the rims package, but hey, there’s no accounting for taste.

by Jackie, Non-Salaried Parental Services Provider and Biological Co-Originator – 10:51 a.m.

Hello Everybody!

If your kids like stuffed animals, I’m your rooster!

I’m new in town and I didn’t want to butt in with my own thread so I decided to say hello over here.  For a very reasonable rate, I will run errands for you during the day, including picking your kid up from school when you’re doing yoga or whatever.  I am completely free-range and my services are very affordable.  I have excellent references (call him only at night please) and can work anywhere within waddling range of Donor Name TBA Hall at Ominous Mountain State University. Here is a picture of me:

Call me at 410-555-2947. Thanks!

by Breakfast T. Chicken – 7:20 p.m.

Dude,

You’re not nearly educational enough.  Trust me, you’re out of your league here.

Besides, are you even supposed to talk, let alone post to message boards?

by T. Ruxpin – 8:13 p.m.