Authorities Seek to Prevent Holiday Disasters
Fluffton’s Fuzz Aim to Stop Local Grinches Before Committing Trite, Shopworn Crimes
By George Bailey
The Daily Fluff
Presents will stay under trees and local building and loan executives will not destroy the hopes and dreams of local homeowners if Fluffton’s Finest have their way.
“Experience has told us that certain events occur around this time of year that, while helping all involved learn about the true meaning of the holidays, cause severe disruption and property damage,” said Officer Francis Krupke of the Fluffton Police Department.
In an ominous foreshadowing of possible mayhem to come, a burglar was arrested earlier this month while attempting to steal oil from Temple Beth Chelm on North Panda Avenue in order to see if the Jewish congregation could celebrate Hannukah with a smaller supply of lamp fuel than theoretically needed over the course of the eight-day celebration.
“While cognizant of some basic points in the Hannukah story, the man was apparently unaware that the large menorah on our front lawn is entirely electric,” said Rabbi Mac A. Beasley of Beth Chelm. “Besides, it’s not like the hardware store on Route 27 is blocked by a detachment of Assyrian soldiers.”
Local Assyrians were sought for comment but none were found.
In previous years, Fluffton has experienced a spate of over-the-top holiday-related crime. In 2006, a man who lived near Ominous Mountain and had a congenital defect leaving him with a heart three sizes too small and a permanent green pallor attempted to steal Christmas by taking all the town’s toys and defacing public holiday displays. At the trial that followed, his attorney argued that he did not steal Christmas because the true meaning of the holiday involved family, peace and goodwill towards one’s fellow man. He was sentenced to 15 years in prison for Grand Theft Holiday.
Less predictable are seasonal disasters not involving criminal intent. The Christmas Eve Blizzard of 2008 left hundreds stranded at Fluffton Airport. Travel experts suggest that trains and automobiles may be suitable substitutes for planes, but suggest avoiding ride-sharing with burly, naive strangers.
Donna Blitzen, a professor of Holiday Studies at Ominous Mountain State University, offers the following tips for avoiding disaster this December:
- It’s impossible to say what the town would have been like if you had never been born, so don’t stress about it, especially near icy bridges. All banks in Fluffton are federally insured, so relax and have a wonderful holiday;
- If you see apparitions claiming to be from different periods in time, seek medical help immidiately unless you are the publisher of The Daily Fluff, in which case I’ll need enough goose for a family of five;
- If your child constantly agitates for a BB gun as a Christmas gift, just get him Call of Duty for PS3 instead. He could put an eye out with that thing;
- Before leaving for the airport, make extra-sure you have not left your child home alone. If you are such a terrible parent that you would do such a thing, make sure to keep a supply of rope, pulleys, paint cans and other supplies so your child can fashion a Rube Goldberg-style home security system to thwart burglars.
Krupke says there is no risk of certain so-called “miracles” involving department store Santas that have not had criminal background checks, as there is no 34th Street in Fluffton.
“The only thing we have to fear this season,” said Krupke, “is an overabundance of meta-commentary on traditional holiday plotlines.”