from OMSU & U: A New Student’s Guide, p. 15

Faculty Voices

The education that Ominous Mountain State University will provide you is completely obsolete, just like the newspaper. 

Which I predicted would be obsolete back in 1980 when CNN came on the air.

Which I predicted would be obsolete in 1992 when I discovered alt.fan.larryking.suspenders

Which I predicted would be obsolete the second I laid eyes on the shiny new bike my wife got me for my birthday in 1996. 

Which I discovered was obsolete when I flew over its handlebars after hitting a stationary object at full speed, breaking my collarbone in the process and making me swear off of Old Transport forever.

That stationary object? It was the building where I work to this day.

OMSU, just like every remaining tattered relic of Old Education, is as out of date as a Model T. Within ten years, the campus will probably be remodeled into a walkable residential neighborhood for Creative Class types and their precocious youngsters.   It’ll be a Creative Community. 

See what I did there?  I capitalized two common nouns and now they are a Thing that I coined and soon everyone will be living in one because it applies to any neighborhood where a person who reads this kind of drivel can buy artisanal cheese.

You don’t learn stuff like that in Accounting 203.  Your education, here or anywhere else, is useless in an era when disruptive social geolocated open-source global mobile technologies float around so far outside the box that they’re in The Cloud. 

While you’re learning how to calculate the area under the curve, I’m getting so ahead of the curve that where I am, it’s flat as a pancake.  In the time it takes for you to read one page of Beowulf, I’ve:

- Retweeted three messages from dissidents in Guinea, Myanmar and Iran, hastening the downfall of tyrannical leaders and ushering in an era in which all mayors will be appointed through Foursquare;

- “Liked” a startup that stands poised to change the world by revolutionizing the way we organize and catalog our sock drawers. All you have to do is photograph all of your socks, note which you wear on any given day and Darnr will provide you with all sorts of statistics on when you use each pair, when they are projected to need mending or replacement and will share that information with all of your friends!  And yeah, I just put a hyperlink in a pamphlet.  Take that, Old Media;

- Sent automated location updates to five services notifying 1,508 people that I went to the mailbox outside my house;

- Got the mail.

Now that we’ve established how painfully behind the times your education is, it’s time for the upside.

You get to hang out with me.

You’re young, impressionable and need a guru to tell you that if you listen to him, you’ll lead a wildly successful and fullfilling life.  After all, a lot of very wealthy and trendy people use the same buzzwords I do.  On my end, I need sycophants to tell me I’m the next Jeff Jarvis* and a real job to pay for a new $500 smartphone every two months.

Come to OMSU. Please.

Prof. P. D. Fishr
Thomas Friedman Chair, OMSU Department of Jargon

* I hereby declare Mr. Jarvis to be obsolete.