From OMSU and U: A New Student’s Guide, p. 34

Residential Facilities

This guide may not be the best place to break in to the first person, but I have a little anecdote that relates to the topic at hand.  It was the morning of the SAT and I was visibly nervous.  My sweaty hands clutched far too many pencils and my calculator contained the freshest of batteries straight from Faisal at the corner store, who wished me good luck.

The crowd of eager beavers, sleepy-eyed insomniacs and bored-looking future gas station attendants shuffled into line at the classroom door and I lined up behind a kid with Kennedy hair and a British Racing Green cable knit sweater.  He was the type who thought that being on line with someone entitled you to a little bonhomie.  

“Big day, eh?”

“Yep,” I said.

“Good thing this test is scaled.  You know what they say: if you can’t spot the fool in the room, it’s probably you.”

Is this some sort of pre-game jaw-jawing?   Still, I was 16, not a leading academic light by any means and a now little more rattled.

Twenty minutes later, the clock started.  Twenty-one minutes later, I heard Mr. Cableknit banging his calculator on the side of the table.  The batteries were probably dead.

I found the idiot.  It was him. 

What were we talking about?  Right, dorms.  Here goes: everything you know about dorm life comes from movies about college or lies told to you by your older siblings based on movies they saw.

The problem with those stories is that you are neither the hot girl hiding behind ugly glasses who needs a two-second makeover (take off the damn glasses!) or a six-packed hunk deciding between the wholesome girl back home and the party girl in the room next door.  Let me save you some time: if you are neither of those things, the fool in the room is you.  You are probably the loveable nerd roomate, or the slob roomate, or an extra who gets hit in the face with a big meatball in a cafeteria food fight. Sorry.

The good news for OMSU students is that the six-packed hunks and party girls with flawless skin are all in Hollywood, where they act in movies about college.  This means that you have the chance to be the protagonist.  Here are some exciting achievements of OMSU dorm residents:

- Found that The Princess Bride syncs up rather well to Never Mind the Bollocks, Here’s the Sex Pistols if you play them at the same time;

- Recorded recreations of historical Vice Presidential debates using Peeps, garnering over 100 hits on YouTube and a cease and desist letter from Sarah Palin;

- Kept leftover never-ending salad and breadsticks in a mini-fridge so long that our medical school is only beginning to discover the antibiotic properties of the mold and our School of Engineering is only beginning to design a containment dome to stop the stench.

- Stayed up for three days straight during finals, made the seven-hour drive home right after walking out of the last exam, slept through Christmas and woke up on December 27 to find that a beaver had dragged away her brand new, gift-wrapped iPad and used it in the construction of a dam that would later be hailed by her local newspaper’s architecture critic as “a significant flooding hazard.”

That’s … umm …  the OMSU difference!