To: All Charm City Cable customers
From: Alejandro Coaxiale, Chief Technician
Subject: Unusual Programming

Dear Valued (nay, Beloved!) Customer:

Recently, our complaints desk has logged a series of complaints about hijacked signals broadcast over our network, from our Series of Tubes to your boobtube at home.  We were able to discern a pattern of repeated hijackings of our bandwith using a security breach caused when several cows on our Director of Operations’ FarmVille homestead caught a case of advanced stage bovine ennui and infected our computer system.*  As a result, we humbly apologize for the following unauthorized broadcasts:

- The pleas of 17-year-old Zach Tate of Highlandtown to his ex-girlfriend Jaqelynn on November 4 were not part of the Discovery Channel’s regularly scheduled programming.  As Jaqelynn said in her retort the following day (once again, not part of regular programming), Ashlyee told her that Nhancy overheard Kellee  saying that in 7th grade, you told Derek that Jaqelynn was a fattie.  Jerk.

- Due to an electrical disturbance resulting from last week’s thunderstorms, a microwave oven turned into a powerful camera and transmitter through fiber optic cable.  As a result, a portion of The Good Wife was interrupted by a woman preparing a roast chicken.  Charm City Cable in no way endorses her lazy and uninspired seasoning strategy.  Lower sodium recipes are one thing, but what she did was just lazy.  Lazy like taking a porcelain bathroom fixture, turning on its side, signing it and calling it art.** If you are married, Glenda Bernard of Glen Burnie, you are not a Good Wife.  If not, you’re just hurting yourself.  And you have something stuck in your teeth.

- The fuzzy stuffed animal that appeared at 11:10 p.m. last night was not part of the evening news.  We are told that it was a narwhal, not a mechanized robo-hybrid dolphin and power drill or a manatee in a haute couture dunce cap.  As for all that talk about unseen enemies and lasers and teens, we are as confused as you.   We would have acted sooner to fix the signal, but some of our technicians thought it might be a preview for the much-anticipated puppet-based reboot of Caprica.

- Please note that the strange man with the blackboard who appears on Fox News in the afternoon and calls everyone Nazis is not part of the security breach.  Believe it or not, he has his own show.

If you have any questions, please call me between the hours of 10 and 1:30 at 410-555-3944.

* Nice work, Mary. Way to stay on the ball.

** I have been informed that somebody did that like a century ago.  I don’t know whether to apologize or punch a collector of modern art.