To: All Patrol Officers
From: The Chief
Re: Talking Stuffed Animals

As you may know, the recent arrest of a talking, spherical, fuzzy and dangerously huggable stuffed rooster named Breakfast T. Chicken has garnered significant national media coverage. Mr. Chicken has used his noteriety to press his radical case for Plush-American rights on local television and sources say he is scheduled to appear on Charlie Rose next week. In order to avoid the recurrence of similar events, I would like all officers who may have contact with any squeezably soft individuals to read and understand the following guidelines:

1) Though they are not citizens with birth certificates or passports (except Cabbage Patch Kids), Stuffed Individuals have certain rights. In Ruxpin v. Georgia, the Supreme Court established that they do have basic due process rights. These rights include the right against unreasonable search and seizure and the right to see an attorney. As we have learned from Mr. Chicken, being adorable may also mean being litigious.

2) Just because you may find it hard to resist squeezing and cuddling up with a Stuffed Individual, they can still be dangerous. Watch out for plastic eyes and other choking hazards. Though most officers are over the age of three, our safety experts request that you check the tag for age ranges.

3) Always check the area for owners. Hell hath no fury like a four-year-old missing her big purple unicorn.

4) If you bring a Stuffed Individual to your station for any reason, do not put a hat on it and call it a mascot. After two hours, a mascot is eligible for union benefits and arbitration.